Last Goodbye
by ArwenJaneLilyLyra
Summary: More often than not, you don't get to choose your last goodbye. By the time Sirius Black found that out, it was too late. No Slash


Last Goodbye

Slowly but surely, it had all vanished. Over twelve years, everything he had loved had been taken from him. Sometimes he had wished they had simply cast an Obliviate charm upon his mind, stealing away his memories with a gentle flick of their wand.

But they didn't.

He had been left to the mercy of creatures that, as a child, he had been convinced were nothing more than the images of nightmares. Over twelve long, painful years the Dementors had slowly drained him of all sense of happiness; of self worth; of love.

So when a time came when he could remember that which had evaded his recollection for over a decade, Sirius Black wanted nothing more than to wallow in happy reminiscences forever. Finally he could squash the fearful memories that had only invaded his thoughts all the more forcefully whenever he tried to forget.

But his joy was not to last.

In his waking hours he could avoid that which caused him to tremble and cry; whereas his hours of sleep were no different to the haunted nights spent in Azkaban.

No matter how hard he tried, Sirius couldn't escape the guilt that coursed through his veins, poisoning his blood, every time he looked upon his Godson's face. Because it was _his_ face; _his_ smile; _his_ laugh - after twelve years of trying to remember what James Potter looked like, suddenly, here was a painful reminder. And worst of all it was _her_ eyes.

He had never meant to fall in love with Lily Evans. In a way, it was James' own fault. Had James not spent the better part of six years pointing out and listing the many perfections that made up the feisty red-head, Sirius would probably not have looked at the girl twice. As it was, whenever conversation wore thin, James Potter would inevitably bring up an ostentatious – though for the most part, very accurate – remark in regards to how splendidly flawless Lily Evans was looking today, thus placing the girl of his dreams in the minds of his three best friends every day for the majority of their school years.

Sirius could never say when exactly he developed his 'schoolboy crush' on the love of his best friend's life. As with most loves – excluding of course, James' love for Lily – it happened slowly; and by the time he realised whom it was his eyes followed unconsciously every time she so much as moved, it was too late. In fact, by the time Sirius was certain his feelings were more than the lustful, hormonal cravings of a teenage boy, word had already spread like wildfire that _the _Lily Evans had been spotted kissing _the_ James Potter.

Sirius had always been good at pretending to be indifferent to things that affected him deeper than he would have cared to admit. He had pretended that his father's verbal abuse of his choice of friends didn't hurt him. He had pretended his brother Regulus being sorted into Slytherin hadn't hurt him. He had pretended that his mother being glad when he left home forever didn't hurt him.

So now it was simply a case of pretending he wasn't in love with Lily Evans.

Sirius knew it was for the best. No matter how strong his feelings were, he knew they could never rival James' love for Lily. And in any case, though in a very different way, Sirius would always love James more.

He had never planned to tell James. He had planned to keep it a secret. Not even Moony, the overly intuitive Marauder, noticed a difference in his friend. People could comment all they liked on Padfoot's lack of subtlety and discretion, Sirius knew he could do it.

And for a while it seemed he would succeed.

Until, that is, the night of the 30th of October, 1981.

_The flickering fire in the grate was giving off the homely smell of wood smoke. Two men were slumped on the floor, both clutching a bottle of Firewhiskey each. Their breaths stank of alcohol, and their eyes – one pair a glittering hazel, the other a stormy grey – were heavy with sleep._

"_Do you ever think you'll marry, Pads?" the taller of the two hiccoughed, his words a little slurred._

"_No," replied the more muscled of the pair, "And don't call me Pads," he reprimanded as sharply as he could in his drunken state._

"_Never?"_

"_Yes, Prongs. Never."_

_The man called Prongs looked over at his friend with a pitying gaze. "You're missing out Padfoot…you're missing out."_

_The man called Padfoot scowled. He grumbled something under his breath and Prongs leant over slightly._

"_What was that?" he asked in a confused tone._

"_Nothing," Padfoot snapped._

"_It sounded like 'Well it's your fault'…what's my fault?" Prongs asked, still confused._

"_Just drop it James," Padfoot growled, sounding peculiarly dog-like as he did so._

"_No…why is it my fault you'll never get married?" he pressed, his tone growing more and more argumentative with every word._

_Padfoot looked about to retort angrily when there was the muffled sounds of slipper-clad feet coming down the carpeted stairs._

"_James? Are you in here? It's getting late, Harry's asleep and- oh hi Sirius!"_

_Both heads flicked around to see a beautiful young woman standing in the doorway. Her dark red locks curled past her shoulders, framing her heart-shaped face that was flushed with exhaustion. However, her most striking feature was her eyes, which were a bright emerald green, filled with delight at the sight of her friend as she wrapped her dressing gown around her body tighter, so as to better conceal the silk nightgown beneath._

_Sirius couldn't rid his face of the guilty expression it bore as he watched James' face drain of all colour. The taller man's gaze flicked between his wife and his best friend a few times, realisation slowly dawning in his gold-tinged eyes._

"_I'll be right up, love," James managed to choke out in a thick voice._

_Lily Potter frowned for a moment, her eyes lingering on her husband for a second longer before she bade goodnight to the two men and made her way back up to bed._

_For he first time in ten years of a friendship closer than brotherhood, James Potter and Sirius Black sat, enduring an awkward, agonised silence that threatened to engulf them both. And for the first time in his life, Sirius Black had nothing to say._

"_Why didn't you tell me?"_

_Sirius could have laughed at the question. "Why didn't I tell you? Wake up James! You were already in love with her, you got there first."_

"_So?" James cried in incredulity. "Why should that stop you? How could you let me get in the way?"_

"_Because you're my best friend!" Sirius only just managed to keep from shouting as he struggled to his feet, swaying as spots began dancing in front of his eyes._

"_So you decide to dump all this guilt on me? Let me live the rest of my life wondering if I made the right choice, knowing I've possibly stolen all this from you?" James' eyes were filled with tears as he too, stood with difficulty._

"_Well it's you fault!" Sirius screamed, not caring as James threw him an angry hiss, pointing to the ceiling, above which his son was sleeping. Sirius could no longer tell what were his own words and what was the alcohol speaking. He could see the hurt in his best friend's eyes, but for some reason, all caring thoughts for the man were lost in the buzz that the Firewhiskey left behind. All he could feel was the bitter pangs of jealousy that he'd all but managed to forget over the years._

"_But you never told me!" James pleaded, hoping all the while that Lily wouldn't come back down._

"_What's the use?" Sirius replied sullenly, his glittering eyes contrastingly alight with passion. "You were always perfect together. I wasn't going to get in the way of that."_

"_Perfect?" James scoffed, dropping his bottle to the floor with a dull thud. "We're far from it Sirius. We still argue; we scream; we fight…If things had been different. Lily's in danger because of me. And Harry…I should have…it could have been….things might be so different if…" James stuttered, looking at anything but Sirius' pale, haughty featured face._

"_No James," Sirius snapped waspishly as he turned to leave. "Just give up James…leave it."_

"_But Padfoot-"_

"_I said leave it Potter!"_

_And with that he slammed the door._

More often than not, you don't get to choose your last goodbye. And you never get to change it.

Sirius Black knew that all too well.

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**Gosh I'm so mean...perhaps a review to tell me what you think? It would be very much appreciated, and rewarded with a chocolate chip cookie :)**


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